


Geese Howard's Festivus Celebration

by RobertCop3



Category: Fatal Fury, King of Fighters, Ryuuko no Ken | Art of Fighting (Video Games)
Genre: Airing of Grievances, Festivus, Holidays, Humor, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 10:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17119931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobertCop3/pseuds/RobertCop3
Summary: Happy Festivus, King of Fighters fandom! In this special holiday fic, several of KoF's most iconic faces have been invited to dinner at Geese Howard's headquarters, to help Geese celebrate a lesser-known December holiday. What could the crime lord have in store for them? Read to find out!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, recently I read a holiday fanfic written by illyrilex which centers around King's Thanksgiving with her family. It's called “Thanks for Nothing,” and if you haven't read it, I suggest you do that.
> 
> Anyway, as I got to the end of it, an idea for a holiday fic of my own started to form in my mind. The holiday I have chosen is Festivus. If you need some background on what that is, go watch the Seinfeld episode “The Strike.” Geese Howard doesn't seem like someone who would celebrate Christmas, anyway, so instead, he has decided to invite several familiar faces in the King of Fighters universe to help him celebrate the holiday “for the rest of us.” Hope you enjoy it, and as always, feedback is welcome.
> 
> All characters are the property of SNK/Playmore. I don't own them or the video games.

The motorcycle pulled to a stop in the parking lot outside Geese Tower. Its rider, a man in a black, short-sleeved leather jacket whose face was concealed by the visor of his helmet, cast a quick look around. The lot was empty, the employees who formed the “legitimate” face of the Howard Commission having gone home at five. There was no night watchman, because one wasn't needed. Between Geese Howard's two faithful henchman, Billy Kane and Hein, anyone who tried to rob the King of South Town would be in for a very painful surprise.

_If they were lucky, they'd just have to deal with those two, and not Geese himself_ , Kyo Kusanagi thought as he pulled off his helmet, couched it between the handlebars of his bike. He set the kickstand, pulled the key from the ignition, and cast another look at the empty lot. Once again, he was the first one here. Which felt normal. He was used to being the first, in a lot of things, not just the King of Fighters Tournament.

He ran a hand through his short, jet-black hair and dismounted his bike. He then pulled a small card from the pocket of his jacket, opened it and re-read the ornate script inside:

 

_Geese Howard cordially invites you to dinner at his home on the 23rd of December_

_To celebrate the holiday of Festivus_

_Dinner will commence at 7:00 PM sharp. Please arrive a half hour early_

_For cocktails, appetizers, and socializing_

_The Airing of Grievances will immediately follow dinner, and after this, the Feats of Strength_

_Dress will be casual._

 

Kyo tucked the card away again and pondered its message. Part of him said this was a trap. He was not the only one to get an invitation. He already knew his old friends, Benimaru and Goro, had gotten one as well. Earlier today, Kyo had received a text from Terry Bogard saying that he, Andy, and Mai had each gotten one (and if Terry had an invitation it was a good bet Blue Mary would be here, too), and an hour ago he'd gotten another text from Athena Asamiya saying that similar invitations had shown up in the mail for her and Sie Kensou.

But if it was a trap, it was a damn elaborate one. Geese was inviting some very powerful and experienced fighters to dinner. Unless he had figured out how to both unseal the Orochi demon _and_ control it (impossible, even for a man as ambitious as Geese), he would have a hell of a time subduing them all in a fight.

Kyo was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a car approaching. It took the empty parking space next to his motorcycle, and out stepped his brothers-in-arms and fellow teammates (sometimes Japan, sometimes Hero): Benimaru Nikaido and Goro Daimon.

“You ditched us back there,” Beni said. “We were supposed to be following you.”

“Well, it's not like we don't know where Geese Tower is,” Kyo said with a smirk as he walked over to them.

“Terry texted a few minutes ago,” said Goro. “Blue Mary _did_ get an invitation, just like ours, and apparently Kim and his disciples got one too.”

“Strange,” said Kyo. “Do you guys know what any of this means? Festivus? Airing of Grievances? Feats of Strength?”

“Don't have a clue,” Beni said with a shake of his head. “Or why Geese would invite so many of the most familiar faces from KoF. Most of us don't like him.”

“Indeed,” said Goro. “Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather be finishing the holiday shopping with the wife. I only came because it's Geese Howard, which means that it's obviously trouble.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the loud rev of a motor. From off in the distance, they could see the headlight of another motorcycle, going way over the speed limit. A few seconds later, it screeched into the parking lot, and came to a stop on the other side of Kyo's bike. The air was filled with the smell of melted rubber and scorched asphalt.

The driver of the bike was not wearing a helmet, and Kyo recognized him instantly by his shock of bright red hair. The man's perpetually scowling face glanced over at Kyo and his friends, and the scowl became even deeper.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Kusanagi?” Iori Yagami snapped as he put the kickstand down and dismounted.

“I was invited,” Kyo said in a crisp voice as he took out his invitation again and held it out for Iori's inspection. “Just like you probably were.”

Iori reached into the pocket of his red jeans, pulled out a similar card, scrutinized them both, then nodded in satisfaction as he saw that the script on each one was similar. “Very well. I'll accept that. Just don't expect me to socialize.”

“Fine with us,” Kyo said as he pocketed his card.

Fortunately, the tension was broken a few seconds later by another car pulling into the parking lot. After the engine was turned off, the doors opened, and out stepped Terry Bogard, his brother Andy, their friend Joe Higashi, and Andy's girlfriend, Mai Shiranui.

The Bogards and Joe had obviously followed the invitation's instructions of casual clothing. Terry wore his usual ensemble of sleeveless red jacket, white T-shirt, blue jeans, and of course his omnipresent cap, while Andy wore blue jeans and a black T-shirt. Joe was dressed in gray slacks and a black V-neck with a white button-down. Mai, however, was wearing a strapless skintight dress made of red leather, with square-shaped cutouts running up both sides of it. The dress showed off an extremely ample amount of both cleavage and leg. She also had on an oversized yellow belt, made of the same leather as her dress, that hung loose around her slender waist, and a red leather choker around her long neck.

Iori, who was smoking a cigarette with his back to them, turned his head slightly at their arrival. “I see you can't read, Shiranui,” he called to them.

“And what's _that_ supposed to mean?” Mai asked, as she glomped onto Andy's arm while Andy looked like he wanted to be somewhere else.

“Well... he does have a point there, Mai,” Kyo grudgingly admitted. “You know that the invitation said casual, right?”

“So what?” Mai asked as she ran her hand through her ponytail. “A woman should always look her best. Especially when she's been invited to a party.”

“So, dressing like a prostitute is considered one's best now?” Goro asked as he regarded Mai's outfit with a scowl.

“Andy, he just insulted me,” Mai said to her boyfriend. “Teach him a lesson.”

“Do I gotta, Mai?” Andy Bogard said with a very audible sigh.

Fortunately, Terry was quick to change the subject. “So, does anyone know why we're here?” He asked those assembled.

“We have no idea,” said Kyo. “We were hoping that one of you might know what Festivus is.”

Terry and his old Fatal Fury teammates all shook their heads. “Sorry,” he told Kyo. “It sounds familiar, for some reason, but I can't quite place where it comes from. But if Geese Howard is interested in it, then obviously I have to check it out. The burden of being a hero.”

“Tell me about it,” Kyo said with a weary sigh. Before anyone could say anything else, yet another motorcycle engine could be heard revving through the night towards them. A few moments later, a familiar cherry-red bike parked to the right of Iori's. Its rider was dressed in baggy blue jeans, heavy boots, red crop top, and green jacket. She doffed her helmet to reveal an even more familiar blond bob-cut.

Blue Mary Ryan shut off her ride and walked over to the group. “Gentlemen,” she said to Kyo, Beni and Goro with a respectful bow of her head. “And Terry,” she said to her Lone Wolf lover with a nod.

“Mary,” Terry said as he returned the nod. “Looking lovely, as always.”

“I don't do lovely,” Mary said with a smirk. “Not my style.” Then she noticed Mai's dress. “Speaking of style, or lack thereof, I see Mai can't read.”

“Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.” Mai said, putting her hands on her hips and striking a pose. “Maybe you should try it sometime.”

“Mai, 1994 just called,” Mary retorted. “They want their dress back.”

“Ah, you're just jealous because I can still rock a retro style,” Mai fired back.

Mary pulled a quarter from her pocket and flipped it into the air in Mai's direction. “Catch.”

The coin was spinning a little too high over the kunoichi's head, so Mai had to reach up to grab it. The motion of stretching her arm overhead caused her breasts to pop out of the dress. Even Iori couldn't resist turning his head at that.

Mai, however, was not even blushing as she tucked the twins back in. “Ooh, it's chilly out,” she remarked.

“Mai, are you sure you don't want to change before dinner?” Andy asked her. “You have other dresses in the trunk.”

“Yeah, but most of those are even more revealing than that one,” Joe quipped.

Mary, having proven her point, ignored the argument that was starting between Andy and Mai, and turned back to Terry and the Japan Team. “So, does anyone have any idea what this is all about? I tried to do some research on Festivus, and all I could find is that it's a holiday that was the subject of an old episode of 'Seinfeld.' It seems to have actually taken off in the real world. I haven't been able to find any clues on why Geese would care about it, though.”

“We'll find out soon enough, I guess,” said Kyo. “Frankly, I like the idea of just waiting out here until everyone has arrived, so we have numbers on our side if it is a trap.”

“I agree,” said Terry.

“You know if trouble breaks out,” Mary said to Terry. “I'll be there to protect you.”

“Wouldn't want it any other way,” Terry said, and kissed her forehead.

“Well, don't expect any teamwork from me,” Iori called over to them. “If any shit goes down, it's every man for himself, as far as I'm concerned.”

“Yeah, Yagami, we already knew you were an asshole, but thanks for the reminder,” Beni snapped at him.

Iori dropped his cigarette onto the asphalt and crushed it under the sole of his shoe. “Just give me an excuse, pretty boy,” he growled as he started towards them.

“Settle down,” Kyo said. “We actually have a common enemy right now.” Iori took another step forward, so Kyo raised his hand, a bright red flame springing to life in his palm. “I said settle down, Yagami.”

Iori stopped in his advance, but he still shot Kyo a venomous glare, red eyes narrowed into slits. Finally, he sighed, turned his back once more, and lit another cigarette. “Whatever. Little blond bitch isn't worth the effort, anyway.”

“Don't talk about Mary like that!” Beni snapped.

“How'd you like to learn what flying feels like, Nikaido?” Mary asked him coldly.

“Yeah, Beni, keep making remarks like that, and I'll stop defending you,” Kyo warned.

Benimaru shrugged. “I don't need you to defend me.”

A few minutes later, another car pulled up, this one a black Lamborghini Diablo. As soon as they saw it, everyone rightfully assumed that Robert Garcia had also gotten an invitation. And if he'd gotten one, then...

Sure enough, once the engine had been turned off, Garcia emerged from the car, along with Yuri Sakazaki, her brother Ryo, and King. The four waved to the rapidly growing queue and walked over to meet them.

Robert and Ryo greeted the Fatal Fury and Japan Teams with warriors' handshakes, while the founders of the Women Fighters Team (and their team member from two past tournaments) shared a group hug. Yuri made a face when she noticed what Mai was wearing. “Hey, Mai, 1994 called and they want their dress back,” she said with a chuckle.

“Thank you!” Mary said.

“You're all just jealous that I'm rocking it,” Mai scoffed at them. She looked a little disappointed that Yuri had actually paid attention to the invite, and was wearing jeans and a violet blouse, while King was dressed like she'd just come from work, as usual. “Maybe you all should have ignored the invitation.”

“Well, at least we can reach over our heads,” Mary remarked.

“Oh, did that happen again?” King shook her head. “Damn it, Mai, does anything in your wardrobe have straps?”

“I dunno,” Mai answered. “Can you ever ask Ryo for his phone number?”

While Yuri, Mai and King argued, the other newcomers went into the same old conversation with everyone else, asking if they knew what Festivus was and being told that no one had any idea why Geese had invited them all here. By the time they finished their pleasantries, a slow whirring sound could be heard, getting louder as it approached them. A few moments later, a large searchlight shone down on them from above, and everyone assembled saw the source of the noise: a sleek black helicopter.

It landed on the very edge of the parking lot, several hundred feet from all of them, and after the rotor blades had powered down, three familiar faces emerged: one blond and wearing sunglasses despite the dark of night, another with his long brown hair tucked under a bandanna, and in between them, a young woman with her blue hair pulled back in a ponytail, her cold eyes flicking rapidly in every direction as they took in the details of the parking lot. They were also some of the few to ignore the invitation's instructions of casual dress, as they all wore heavy boots, camo-colored cargo pants, and tight black shirts.

“We're still missing five guests,” said Leona Heidern when she and her Ikari team members got close enough to the others. “It would be prudent to wait until they get here before we enter.”

“We already figured that out before you military stiffs showed up,” Joe quipped.

“Watch who you're calling a stiff, Higashi,” Clark Still said. “Or we may turn you into one.”

“Um, Joe,” said Andy. “If this is a trap, I think it's a good idea to have these guys on our side. It has been in the past.”

“We're not on 'your side,' Bogard,” said Leona. “But since Geese Howard is a legitimate threat to world safety, then we at least have the same enemy.”

“How do you know how many people are coming?” Kyo asked the Ikaris.

“We've been gathering intel since the invitations showed up at our base and Commander Heidern gave us this mission,” Ralf Jones explained.

“Which we were eager to accept,” said Clark. “Any mission involving a free dinner is a mission I can get behind.” He and Ralf then exchanged a high five behind Leona's back.

“Assuming this is actually a dinner,” Leona reminded them, all business as usual. “Remember, we still haven't managed to ascertain a connection between the Howard Commission and this 'Festivus' we learned of from that childish 90s sitcom. We should be ready for anything.”

“Well, I'm ready for food, if someone else is paying,” Joe said.

“That's because you're a cheapskate,” said Mai.

“A cheapskate who can reach over his head without embarrassing himself,” Joe fired back.

“Who said I was embarrassed when my boobs came out?”

“God damn it, Mai...” Andy muttered.

“What exactly did you learn about Festivus?” Blue Mary asked Leona. “I couldn't find much that was useful.”

Leona and her teammates then related to everyone else the plot synopsis of the Seinfeld episode “The Strike.” But this only posed further questions.

“Geese's plans usually don't involve corny sitcoms,” said Terry. “Is this just a cover for something even more sinister?”

“We definitely can't put that past Geese,” said Goro. “But at the same time, this Airing of Grievances sounds like something he would enjoy subjecting us to.”

“True,” Kyo said. “But then why undertake the expense of making dinner for all of us?”

The group fell silent after this. And because the writer is afraid he may be getting Carpal Tunnel, the remaining guests all showed up at the same time: Athena Asamiya, Sie Kensou, Kim Kaphwan, Choi Bounge, and Chang Koehan.

“Um, you did know that dinner was being served, right, Kensou?” Beni asked when he saw that Sie was chomping on a meat bun.

“Yeah, but we don't know if they're serving meat buns,” said Kensou. “So I had to get my fix.”

“Couldn't you have at least finished it before we got here?” Athena asked with a roll of her eyes.

“How's your telepathy these days?” Kyo asked the Psycho Soldiers.

“Not as sharp as I'd like it to be,” answered Athena. “But sharp enough, I think.”

“Good,” Kyo said with a nod. “We might need it when we're inside.”

Kim Kaphwan bowed to Robert, Ryo, and the members of the Japan and Fatal Fury teams. “It's good to see you, my friends. I'm sorry it's not under better circumstances.”

“I know what you mean,” Robert said.

Leona raised a blue eyebrow at Kim's companions. “Do you feel it's prudent to bring two convicted criminals to a function where we know other criminals will be present?”

“I have faith in them,” the Tae-Kwon-Do master said. “This dinner will be a true test of just how far they have come in their rehabilitation. Chang even shaved for the occasion.”

Everyone looked over at Kim's students. Choi was perched on the shoulder of his hulking companion, as usual. Both of them were wearing off-white button-down shirts and black ties (though Choi still had has trademark battered fedora, and his leather glove with the knives sewn into the fingers), and Chang was indeed sporting a chin as smooth as the top of his head.

“Looks good on him,” said Beni. “Bet the ladies love it, too.”

“I'm impressed,” said Yuri. “Was this his idea, Kim?”

“Actually, it was,” Kim answered.

“It's an improvement,” Mai agreed. “He looks like a real lady-killer now. But he won't kill me. My Andy is still cuter.”

“Whatever,” Chang grumbled. “I don't do 'cute.'”

“Everyone is here, now,” said Leona. “So we should probably go in.”

The others nodded in agreement, and started to walk towards the tower.

“Hurry up and finish that, Sie,” Athena told Kensou. “How do you think it will look if you show up at a dinner party with food, and you didn't even bother to bring enough for everyone else?”

“I don't even know if they like meat buns,” Kensou said, his mouth still full of the last bite.

“I don't eat meat,” King offered helpfully.

“Don't think you're helping,” said Yuri, who noticed Athena's scowl.

“You're the best friend I ever had,” Athena muttered as she brushed crumbs off Kensou's collar. “But sometimes you drive me crazy.”

_She said 'best friend,'_ Kensou thought as Athena fiddled with his shirt. _So I'm a friend, but still the best. That means there's a chance._

Finally, the group was out of the parking lot, walking across the marble courtyard in front of the towering skyscraper that bore Geese Howard's name on the front in neon letters twenty feet high.

“Think we'll need to knock him off his tower again?” Andy asked his brother.

“It _has_ been over a month,” said Terry.

“Master, should we have brought a bottle of wine or some other gift?” Chang asked Kim.

“The invitation didn't say BYOB,” said Kim. “And I don't think Geese Howard needs gifts, but it's nice that you were thinking that. Something to remember if we ever get invited to another dinner.”

“Speaking of dinner, I hope Geese was sincere about that,” said Ryo. “I came hungry. What do you think they'll be serving?”

“The intel we've gathered suggests it will either be turkey, or some edible, meat-flavored substance in the shape of a loaf, served on a bed of lettuce,” Leona said.

“Sounds tasty,” King grumbled.

“Well, if they are... um... serving that... loaf thing... maybe we can... stop by Panera Bread afterwards?” Ryo offered. “Their tomato soup is always good.”

“You mean... like a date?” King asked him, a slight tinge of red burning her cheeks.

“Umm... not really... I mean, it's just Panera,” Ryo quickly added. “Not... what I'd call a date place.”

“Sure it isn't,” Yuri said with a giggle as she took Robert's hand in her own.

When they reached the entrance of the building, they found it unlocked. No one appeared to be waiting in ambush for them, at least not that they could sense. The only person they did see was a slim man with short dark hair, dressed in flawlessly-pressed black trousers, a frilled white shirt, beige vest, black tie, black jacket with tails, and white gloves standing in the center of the spotless lobby floor. He was polishing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, but quickly slipped them back on as he saw the fighters entering the lobby.

“Good evening,” the impeccably-dressed man spoke to them with a slight German accent. “I am Hein, Mr. Howard's butler. I shall be overseeing the festivities for the evening. I would like to thank each of you for coming. Before we proceed, may I take anyone's jacket?”

“You may try to take it,” Blue Mary told him. “But you _may_ end up with a broken wrist if you touch it. If you're lucky, that's the only thing I'll break.” Terry tried not to laugh as he gave Mary a fist bump.

If Hein was rattled by those words, he did not show it. His neutral expression would have made even the greatest gamblers in the world a little jealous. “If you wish to wear your jackets upstairs, that's acceptable. You are the guests. I am merely here to serve.”

“You'll forgive us if we're a little on edge,” Kyo explained. “We know where we are, and we know what kind of man Geese Howard is. Frankly, we're a little suspicious of these invitations.”

“Understandable,” said Hein. “I can only assure you that Mr. Howard's dinner invitation is just that. He would like you all to dine with him in commemoration of the Festivus holiday.”

“Bullshit!” Iori snapped. “Tell us what his real game is, fancy-pants, before we beat it out of you!”

“Can we take you anywhere, Yagami?” Beni said with a sigh.

“And just what does that mean, pretty-boy?” Iori growled.

“Iori,” Leona said calmly. “This is not the time for bluster. Given our situation, staying calm and in control is the wisest course of action.”

“Too true, Commander,” Hein said with a curt nod.

Iori exhaled loudly, then pulled out another cigarette. Hein was about to say that there was no smoking in the tower, but decided against it.

“Guys.” Athena had her head down, her brow creased in concentration. “I'm not sensing any mental auras except for everyone that we can see here. It doesn't seem like there's a trap waiting for us. I think we're safe to follow him.”

Hein nodded curtly again. “Danke, Ms. Asamiya. If you'll all follow me, please.” Hein turned smartly on his heel and started to walk towards the elevators, his polished black shoes clicking loudly against the checkerboard-tiled floor. After a few moments of awkward silence, everyone else began to follow him.

“We shall use the elevator reserved for the tower's staff,” Hein said. “I apologize that it is not as nice as the others, but unlike the standard elevators, it will adequately fit all of us.” They followed him past the regular elevators to a larger door set into the far wall. Hein took a key from his pocket, stuck it into its corresponding hole on the panel next to the door, and turned it. A few minutes later, the doors opened as the elevator came up to their floor.

Once everyone was inside, Hein used his key to shut the doors and then pressed the button for the twenty-second floor. It moved slowly, but Hein was right when he said that it had enough room for all of them.

After the elevator had arrived at the desired floor, Hein led them down a few hallways to a large set of double doors. The butler grasped the heavy brass knobs and pushed the doors open, revealing what appeared to be a banquet hall. A long, heavy oak table had been set with places for all of them, each place marked with a name tag. Aside from that, there was no decoration, other than Billy Kane’s staff, which had been set by the far wall in an upright position with a few pieces of tinsel hanging off of it.

Geese Howard’s other lackeys, Billy, Hopper, and Ripper, stood over by the bar, dressed in the same manner as Hein (though Billy still wore one of his trademark bandannas, and the other two wore their sunglasses). Billy and Ripper were carrying silver trays laden with what looked like appetizers, while Hopper was tending bar.

“Okay, just what is going on here?” Kyo asked Hein, saying what everyone else was still thinking. “Geese wouldn’t have just invited us all to dinner like this. Not without an ulterior motive.”

“For once, Kusanagi and I agree,” grumbled Iori. “Quit jerking us off, Hein. What’s your boss’s game? What is this Festivus shit? Tell me before I grow tired of asking nicely.” He raised his right hand, and a wisp of purple fire sprang to life on his fingertips.

“Watch it, Yagami,” said Kyo.

Hein, however, did not appear impressed by the threat. He simply gestured towards the bar. “Mr. Howard will make his intentions known when he comes down to dinner. In the meantime, help yourselves to cocktails and Hors D’Oeuvres. I shall ring the bell when dinner is ready.”

“And how do we know nothing here has been drugged or poisoned?” Blue Mary asked.

“Mr. Howard detests poison,” Hein said with a yawn. “If he wanted to kill you, he’d prefer to do it personally in a hand to hand fight. I believe he said it’s, _ahem_ , more... _fun_ that way.”

“I think he’s telling the truth,” Athena offered to the others. “But he’s a little hard to read.”

The members of Team Ikari then made their way over to the bar. Leona opened some sort of field kit that was clipped to her belt, and took out what looked like a metal probe and a pocket-sized computer. She dipped one end of the probe into one of the bottles of liquor, while Clark looked over a readout on the computer. They then dipped the same probe into a few of the other bottles, each time studying the readouts.

Finally Clark said: “Everything looks clean.”

“No toxins we can detect, other than the ethanol,” said Leona. “So it’s safe to drink. In moderation.” She put the equipment back into the pouch at her belt and slapped her gloved hand on the bar. “I'll have a Jameson’s and water,” she told Hopper.

Ralf and Clark each ordered the same. The sight of the Ikaris ordering drinks seemed to put everyone else at ease, and they stepped towards the bar to place their own orders.

“Any chance you’d be willing to help out back here?” Ripper asked as he gave King the glass of Dom Perignon that she'd requested.

King shook her head as she accepted the drink. “It’s my night off. I’m just here to relax and drink hella expensive champagne on someone else’s dime. The day I help the Howard Commission will be the same day Andy gets to second base with Mai.”

“Hey, it’ll happen any day now,” Mai said as she appeared next to King. “I’ve got a good feeling about tonight.” Then she said to Ripper: “Gimme a Sex on the Beach, and hold the beach.”

“Double sex, no beach, got it,” Ripper said. Then he wondered what exactly “the beach” part of that recipe was. “King, can you at least tell me what 'the beach' is in this drink?” He asked the blond kickboxer.

“What did I just say?” King told him, then left to go talk to Ryo.

After thinking for a moment, Ripper decided to leave out the orange juice, and just add extra vodka and peach schnapps. Fortunately, Mai still seemed to like it. “This is perfect,” she remarked after taking a sip. “Hey, Andy, you need to try this!”

“Do I gotta, Mai?” Andy grumbled. “I already have my drink.”

* * *

Billy Kane was standing in front of Joe Higashi with his serving tray, clearly looking like he wanted to be somewhere else as Joe continued to grab pigs in a blanket off Billy's tray and stuff them into his mouth. “So, I haven't been able to see your sister in a while,” Joe remarked. “Is the laundry business going okay?”

“None a'yer damn business, Higashi,” Billy snarled.

“Hey, I'm just making conversation,” said Joe. “But it looks like you're out of appetizers now, so... see ya.” Joe stuffed the last one in his mouth and made his way towards the bar. Billy blew a sharp breath out through his nostrils, and was about to go to the kitchen for another tray, when Terry Bogard approached him.

“So, Billy,” Terry said as he sipped at his bourbon and club soda. “What happened to your bo staff?”

“Ain't a staff tonight, Bogard,” Billy told him, glad for the change of subject. “Tonight it's a Festivus pole.”

“Okay,” Terry said, nodding as if he were pretending to know what that meant.

“I know as much you all,” Billy went on to say. “For the last month, the boss has been binge-watching 'Seinfeld' on Hulu. Then, a week ago, he gets this half-baked idea, and tells us that we're all gonna be dressing like Hein tonight and serving dinner. Whatever, right? It's his name on the building. Plus we get a Festivus bonus. Excuse me a sec, I need to reload...” With that, Billy turned and made his way towards the kitchen with his empty tray.

* * *

“Vodka martini, Mr. Garcia? Cosmopolitan, Ms. Sakazaki?”

“Um, thanks,” Robert and Yuri each said as they took their cocktails off Hein's serving tray, a little disturbed that he somehow seemed to know their favorites.

“So, Hein,” Robert said. “I've never actually had a butler. My parents did, but that lifestyle wasn't really for me. So I'm wondering... what is it you do?”

“I buttle, Mr. Garcia,” Hein said simply.

“I knew that,” said Yuri, though her expression told Hein she clearly didn't.

Hein took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. We keep everything tidy.”

“I see,” Robert said. “For some reason, I thought you guys did more than that.”

“Wait a minute!” Yuri snapped. “Robbie, he's just quoting the movie 'Clue.'”

“I've never seen that movie,” Hein said with a weary sigh.

“Okay, I need to look up butlers now.” Yuri pulled out her smartphone and began to bring up the Wikipedia app.

“If you'll excuse me, I must make sure dinner will be ready on time.” Hein nodded to them both, and then turned and made his way towards a swinging door on the other side of the large banquet hall.

“Kinda stiff, isn't he?” Robert asked his girlfriend.

“Maybe it's a German thing,” Ryo said as he stepped up next to them, with a small plate of coconut-crusted shrimp. “Terry's told me plenty of times that Krauser was pretty stiff, too.”

“Still, he's efficient,” said Robert. “Maybe I should hire one like him!”

“Robbie!” Yuri punched him lightly on the arm.

“Just kidding, hon. It's more satisfying to clean your own messes.”

* * *

“What do you think, commander?” Ralf asked as he walked up to Leona, who was staring at Billy Kane's staff like it was a magic eye drawing.

Leona scowled, and then took a sip of her whiskey and water. “From what I can see, it looks like a harmless decoration. But I need to be sure I'm not missing something. When the commander of a mission is careless, she can't be forgiven when her team members get hurt as a result.”

“You gave it a pass with the infrared scope?”

Leona nodded. “Twice. Nothing.”

“What about UV?”

“Also nothing.”

“Sometimes a Festivus pole is just a Festivus pole, commander,” Clark said as he joined his comrades.

“Well, it still bugs me that I haven't yet been able to figure out just how Billy makes this thing separate into sections,” Leona said grudgingly. “But now that it's unattended...” She started to reach out a hand for it when she heard someone clear his throat behind her.

“Please don't touch the Festivus decorations,” Hopper said, then held out his silver serving tray to the Ikaris. “Teriyaki meatball?”

“Might as well,” Ralf and Clark both said with a shrug, and each speared one with a toothpick.

“So I have a question,” Clark then asked their server. “You've never had any problems seeing indoors with your shades on, have you?”

“None,” Hopper answered.

“But I'm sure you get jokes about it all the time.”

“Yeah, all the time.”

Clark shook his head. “It's a pain I know all too well...”

_“Kindred spirit!”_ Both men said at the same time, then gave each other a high-five. Ralf and Leona stared at one another in confusion.

* * *

Billy Kane was now back in the banquet hall with another serving tray, this one full of mini spanakopita rolls. “Are these filled with meat?” Kensou asked him.

“Um... sure, kid,” Billy said with a smirk. “Knock yerself out.”

Kensou eagerly grabbed a few of them, bit into one... and made a face as his mouth was greeted with spinach, artichoke heart, cream cheese and garlic. “What gives?” The Psycho Soldier just barely managed to swallow the bite, and then immediately put all the rolls back on the tray, even the one he'd bitten into. “This isn't meat!”

“Yeah, an' you believed me!” Billy said with a laugh. “You should'a seen yer face, kid!”

“Mr. Kane!” Hein's crisp voice then snapped in Billy's ear, making the British fighter jump slightly. “Tonight we are being professional, remember?”

“I'm always professional, Hein,” Billy grumbled. “Just not with this domestic shit!”

“Mr. Kane!”

“All right, fine. Domestic crap! Happy now?”

“Not at all. But I need to go inform Mr. Howard that the main course has just come out of the oven.” With that, Hein walked crisply towards the large double doors that the guests had entered through.

“Sie, don't put something you've already eaten back on the tray!” Athena grumbled at him. “That's unsanitary! Remember what Chin-Sensei said about our best behavior? He's trusting us to represent the Psycho Soldiers tonight.”

“Only because he couldn't be here since he's hung over,” Kensou grumbled. “Besides, these things are gross. Who in their right mind would eat a roll full of spinach?”

“Ooh, spanakopita! Finally, something I can eat!” King walked up to the tray and helped herself to several of the rolls.

“You were saying?” Athena asked Kensou with a triumphant smirk.

Fortunately, Kensou was saved from making an excuse as he saw Hopper pass with the tray of meatballs. “Now this guy speaks my language!” He gulped down the last of his beer and started to follow Hopper.

“Having trouble keeping your date in line, Athena-chan?” Mai asked the pop star. The kunoichi was now on her second cocktail, another of Ripper's “Sex on the Beach Without the Beach” concoctions.

“Please, Mai,” Athena said with a toss of her long violet hair. “If anyone needs to be kept in line, it's you. And I've told you, Kensou is NOT my date.”

“Oh, don't tell me you've never fantasized about it, girl!” Mai said as she put her arm around Athena. “On cold nights, when you're alone in your room. I bet you've wondered what it would be like. I bet you even sat on your own hand until it fell asleep, and then you pretended it was his while you stroked your own...”

Athena blushed profusely as she shrugged off Mai's arm. “Mai, please! I'm not that kind of girl!”

“Not everyone is as sex-starved as you, Mai,” King pointed out.

“Um... I am!” Billy offered.

“SHUT UP!” Athena, Mai, and King all shouted at Billy simultaneously.

* * *

A short time later, the door leading into the kitchen swung open, and a large serving cart was pushed in, laden with both a thirty-pound tom turkey, and a glazed ham. The cart was being pushed by a familiar face, who wore a white apron over his black slacks and form-fitting black shirt. The apron had a picture of a Christmas wreath, along with the caption WELL HUNG in large red and green lettering.

Blue Mary raised an eyebrow when she recognized the blond man wearing the apron. “Ryuji? What the hell are you doing here?”

“What's it look like, detective?” Ryuji Yamazaki said with a shrug. “I owed Geese a favor, and he called me this morning and said he needed my carving skills.” He pulled his knife from its trusty belt sheath, twirled it expertly in his hand, and then plunged it up to the hilt in the turkey's breast. “And you know how I love to work with nice, soft flesh.” He bared his canines as he pulled the knife out and stabbed it into the breast again.

“Mr. Yamazaki, what did we discuss?”

Yamazaki turned and saw Hein staring at him critically. He sighed as he pulled a two-pronged fork out of his belt as well, and started to slice through the joint of one of the drumsticks. “Carve the meat normally,” he grumbled.

“Precisely,” said Hein. “Remember, after dinner is over, there's another turkey in the kitchen for you to mutilate.”

Yamazaki finished wheeling the tray over to the large buffet table that had been set up, and resumed carving the turkey like a civilized human. “Hey, Billy, where'd Geese dig that fruitcake butler up?” He called as he worked.

“Search me, Yamazaki,” Billy called back. “For some reason, the boss finds him amusing, so he's a valuable asset.”

Choi approached the carving table and nodded at Ryuji's knife. “That's a cute little toy you have there.”

Ryuji stopped carving and scowled at the ex-convict. “You knockin' my blade, shorty?”

Choi shook his head. “That wasn't an insult.” He then jabbed out suddenly with his gloved hand at Hopper, who was passing by with his tray. When Choi pulled the hand back, there was a meatball skewered on each of his finger blades. “Like I said, it's cute.” As he walked away, he started to eat the appetizers off his glove's fingers, shish-kebab style.

Yamazaki stared in awe for a moment, then laughed and ran his tongue across his lower lip. “Oh, baby... I have _got_ to get me one of those!”

* * *

“Looks like Geese has actually prepared something edible,” Terry remarked to the members of the Japan team as they watched Yamazaki slice one half of the turkey breast off the carcass, then place it on a serving platter and start to slice it crosswise. Even Iori, who was standing off in a corner nursing his Bloody Mary and looking moody, raised an eyebrow with interest at the sight and smell of the meat.

“I'd still feel better if we knew for certain whether or not Geese was setting us up,” Goro said.

“Yeah, why hasn't he shown up yet?” Kyo asked. “He's the host, isn't he?”

“Hey, Mary!” Beni called over to the detective. “Can we really trust that psycho with our food?”

“I resemble that remark, hairdo!” Yamazaki, who had overheard Beni's comment, shouted back.

Blue Mary walked over to the four, sipping her neon blue cocktail that shared her name. “Ryuji's nuts, but as long as he's getting paid, he's reliable. But heaven help you if someone else comes along and offers him more money. Though, if he does owe Geese Howard a favor, I think he'll behave.”

A gong suddenly sounded over by the entrance to the banquet hall. All conversation stopped and all heads turned towards Hein, who was standing alongside the door.

“May I present the host for this evening's Festivus celebration?” Hein announced clearly. “Mr. Geese Howard!” He then grabbed the heavy brass knob in his gloved hand, and opened the door. Seconds later, the man himself came striding in...


	2. Chapter 02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, the continuation of Geese Howard's very unmerry Festivus celebration...

And now, the continuation of Geese Howard's very unmerry Festivus celebration...

* * *

Even those who considered themselves sworn enemies of Geese Howard had to admit, albeit grudgingly, that the man knew how to make an entrance. Hein rapped his small gong again as the King of South Town strode into the room, decked out in a black tuxedo, bright red cummerbund, spotless Italian leather shoes that probably cost more than most people had to spend on Christmas gifts for their whole family, and a black bowtie. Ripper was at his side in seconds with a serving tray, bearing a single crystal rocks glass with a measure of 60-year-old scotch, served neat.

Geese took up the drink with a grandiose arm gesture and raised it to the guests assembled. “To a holiday that's actually worth celebrating!” He said with a laugh as he sipped his drink. Only a few people returned the gesture: Mai because she was already a little tipsy from the “double sex” in her drinks and wasn't thinking straight, Athena because this was her first dinner party without Master Chin, and she wanted to impress him by being a good guest, and the Ikaris to attempt to blend in more efficiently, and thus perhaps learn what the Howard Commission was really up to this time.

Geese appeared disappointed by the small number of people who actually acknowledged his toast. “I'm sorry to see so many of you disagree with me,” he said, his voice taking on a mock-wounded tone.

“You'll forgive us all if we have our suspicions that this is more than just an innocent holiday celebration,” said Terry.

“Yeah, Howard, your servants have been completely useless,” Iori growled. “Haven't been able to tell us a damn thing about this Festivus. Give us answers. Now!” Iori then drained the last of his Bloody Mary, and dropped the empty glass on the carpet instead of actually looking for a tray to put it on. Hein was there in seconds to retrieve it and place it back on the bar.

“Classy, as always, Yagami,” Kyo said with a smirk. “But he is right about one thing, Geese. We _do_ need to know what's really going on here.”

“And we'd rather you do it peacefully,” Goro added. “As you can see, we greatly outnumber you.”

“For the moment,” Geese said with a chuckle as he strode over to them.

“I see Mai is not the only one who ignored the invitation's dress code,” Beni remarked.

“I didn't ignore it,” Geese explained. “Because the invitations were for you, not me. It's a nice little show of power to be the best-dressed person in the room. It puts your enemies off their game.”

“Who says you're the best-dressed?” Mai shouted over to him.

“Mai, don't encourage him,” Andy grumbled, annoyed to see his date speaking so casually to his father's killer. He knocked back the rest of his drink quickly and grabbed another from a passing serving tray.

“And anyway, I don't think there's much of a contest there, Mai,” Blue Mary added with a laugh.

“Off our game?” Geese heard Leona ask, as the Ikaris made their way over to the group. “So you _are_ planning something!”

Geese shrugged and took another sip of his apertif. “Just dinner, and a cozy Festivus celebration,” the crime lord said.

“But what the hell is _Festivus?_ ” Iori spat through clenched teeth, and raised his right hand, again wreathed in cold purple flame. Kyo shifted position slightly to stand between his rival and Geese.

“Not the time, Yagami,” Leona said coolly.

“Yeah, most of us are hungry, and what Ryuji is carving actually looks edible,” added Ralf. Leona shot him an icy glare, and Ralf raised his hands defensively. “Well, it's true, commander. Ask anyone here.”

“You'll find out at dinner what Festivus is,” Geese said calmly, not at all intimidated by Iori's bravado. Namely because his own hand was behind his back, glowing with dark green chi. “Which, according to Hein, should be any moment now.”

As if on cue, a small bell then chimed. All eyes in the room turned to see Hein standing by the swinging door to the kitchen, a tiny silver bell in hand. “Dinner is served!” He called out to the banquet hall. “You will each find you have assigned seating.” He then gestured to the table. “This way, please.”

“Saved by the bell,” Iori growled at Geese, and then started to walk towards the table. All the other fighters assembled started to follow suit.

Terry Bogard was annoyed that he was sitting to the right of the head of the table, next to Geese Howard, but at least Blue Mary was sitting on his other side. Mary was also glad of that, but not glad that Mai sat to her right. Still, Andy was sitting to Mai's right, so at least Mary could take some comfort from the fact that Mai would be spending most of dinner glomping onto him. Which shouldn't make the detective lose her appetite, if she could ignore them. Proceeding in a circle counterclockwise around the table from Andy, the rest of the seats were: Joe, Ryo, King, Athena, Kensou, Beni, Kyo at the head seat opposite Geese, Goro, Ralf, Clark, Leona, Iori, Robert, Yuri, Chang, Choi, and Kim.

Those who weren't working on drinks were offered red or white wine by Billy, Hopper, and Ripper, who circled the table with bottles. Meanwhile, other employees of Geese were bringing out the rest of the meal and setting the serving dishes on the same long buffet table being used by Yamazaki. Even Geese's most mortal enemies had to admit he'd put out a good spread. All the usual trimmings for a holiday feast went with the meat: stuffing, whipped potatoes, green bean casserole (the kind with the french fried onions), sweet potatoes topped with marshmallow fluff, rolls (both Hawaiian and cornbread) with fresh butter and honey, and fried brussels sprouts.

“Glad to see you're not serving a meatloaf,” Ryo remarked as he accepted a glass of red from Ripper.

Geese shrugged. “Well, I have to eat the same thing as you,” he rationalized. “And as fun as it would be to watch you all suffer, it wouldn't be worth having to take a bite of Billy's meatloaf recipe.”

“Boss!” Geese's loyal employee took a few steps back, as if he'd been socked in the jaw. “You told me you liked it!”

“Billy, it's time to level with you,” Geese said as he took another sip of scotch. “I force-fed it to those drug-dealers you and Hein captured, who were giving their tribute money to Mr. Big instead of us.”

Hein actually raised an eyebrow at this. “Even for you, that's cold-blooded, sir,” he said. Billy said nothing, but continued to pour wine, albeit with less enthusiasm than before.

Finally, when everything was ready, Kim asked: “Do you mind if I say grace?”

Geese shrugged. “Only if it's out loud. The rest of us are gonna go eat.” So Kim, Chang, and Choi said a silent grace before getting up to join everyone who was already making their way down the buffet table.

When everyone got back, there was no conversation for a time as they all tucked into their food, though everyone waited for Geese to take some bites before they started. Iori had opted for extra turkey and ham, ignoring most of the sides, while King had filled her plate with extra portions of stuffing, potatoes and green bean casserole, in lieu of meat.

“So... you think these are... King's Hawaiian rolls?” Ryo asked the blond kickboxer sitting to his right, with a nervous chuckle.

King suppressed a smile as she dredged her roll through some honey she had drizzled onto the plate. “Um... maybe? They're pretty good, though. I like Hawaiian rolls.”

“Not just because they have your name, I guess,” Ryo blurted out.

“Um, no. I... also like the taste.”

Ryo blushed a little, and then went silent as he focused on his own plate. _Stupid joke, Ryo_ , he told himself. _Just like one your dad would make._ He quickly gulped back the rest of his wine and shook the empty glass at Hein.

“Sie, you should have asked if anyone else wanted a drumstick before you just grabbed it,” Athena said as she watched her friend gnaw ravenously at the leg of the turkey.

Kensou paused in his carnivorous display. “Um, sorry,” he spoke with his mouth half-full, spraying a few small flecks of dark meat onto Athena in the process. “Should... should I ask them now?”

Athena groaned as she wiped her face with her cloth napkin. “Well, no, not now. Your germs are all over it.”

“Athena, it's a celebration,” Kensou said. He set the drumstick down and started to work on his sides. “Maybe you should relax a little.”

Athena's voice dropped to a whisper. “A celebration at _Geese Tower._ And we're Psycho Soldiers. Maybe we should be more vigilant? Well, one of us should be.”

“I am being vigilant,” Kensou said with a shrug. “I am vigilantly examining all this fine food.”

Athena sighed loudly and started to cut up her slices of turkey breast. “Can I take you anywhere?”

“No vegetables, Yagami?” Beni called down to Kyo's rival. “Better hope your mother doesn't find out.”

“My mother died giving birth to me, you fucking idiot,” Iori called back.

Kyo then slapped Beni in the back of the head. “Seriously, man, you should know that by now!”

“Sorry, Kyo,” Beni spoke rapidly as he looked back down at his food. “It was a heat-of-the-moment thing, 'cause you know... he never eats vegetables...” His voice then trailed off and he grabbed his wineglass.

“Master, do you think I'm ready to try my hand at cooking a turkey?” Choi asked Kim. The reformed criminal had been dabbling in the culinary arts since the last KoF tournament.

“Um... I think someday you will be, Choi,” Kim said quickly. He'd tasted a few of Choi's attempts at Korean barbecue, and he'd always needed to spend the next several hours within fifty feet of a bathroom. “Your basic skills just need a... little more refinement.”

“I have to admit, this dinner is actually pretty good,” Terry remarked as he sat back down with a second plate. “But I still have to wonder what your game is, Geese.”

Geese forked the last bite of turkey on his plate, then picked up his wine and said: “Well, now is as good a time as any to discuss it. So, show of hands, table: how many of us really _like_ celebrating Christmas?”

Several hands went up, though Iori and Leona's hands stayed down. So Geese tried again: “Okay, how many of you like all the headaches that go with it?”

At this, most of the hands at the table went down. Geese gave a smirk of triumph and raised his wineglass. “Exactly. I mean, the commercialism is nice, to those of us who know how to use it to their advantage, but there's plenty of bad things about Christmas. Right, boys?”

“I'll say,” Yamazaki chimed up. “Those decorations always hurt my damn eyes. Plus, I got kicked out of a church once for trying to give one of the wise men in their Nativity scene a haircut.”

“And everyone plays the same stupid songs over and over again,” Billy said. “But no one ever plays Iggy Pop's version of 'White Christmas.'”

“The Salvation Army gets all up in your face,” added Ripper. “Everyone ringing those goddamn bells.”

“Not to mention that you have to deal with family members who, if not for Christmas, you wouldn't see any other time of year,” said Hopper.

Geese nodded his head at each of these points. “Exactly.” He took a sip of wine. “And then I saw a brilliant episode of 'Seinfeld,' which I've recently been binge watching. And I learned of a holiday for those of us who want to reject the religious and/or commercial aspects of Christmas. Festivus... the holiday for the rest of us.” Geese then took another sip of wine.

Leona had been picking at what little food was left on her plate, looking thoughtful. Then she said: “That's a good idea.”

Both Ralf and Clark turned to face her, their eyes wide. “Commander...?” Ralf started to ask.

The blue-haired woman shrugged. “I'm an atheist, so I've never celebrated Christmas. I participate in the Secret Santa exchange at the base because Heidern says it's an order, but other than that... I've never liked the Christmas season.”

“Wait a minute,” Kim said with a shake of his head. “You have seen proof of the existence of an ancient demon powerful enough to wipe the human race off the face of the earth without breaking a sweat, not to mention God knows how many other supernatural forces that have been associated with King of Fighters... and you _don't_ think the Christian god might exist?”

“As you just said, Kaphwan, I've seen proof of the Orochi,” Leona explained. “As far as God or Jesus are concerned, there is no concrete intel, just circumstance and speculation. As a soldier, I can't afford to put faith in anything that isn't concrete. There is nothing except me, Heidern, my men, and my mission. It's simple, and it's within my control. So I think this Festivus holiday is a good idea.” She forked the last piece of turkey on her plate and resumed eating.

For a moment, the whole table was silent. Then Mai said: “You really need to get out more, honey.”

“That's 'commander' to you, Shiranui. Call me 'honey' again at your own risk.”

“For once, though, Mai made her point clearly,” said Goro.

“Seriously, commander, take a painting class or something,” Chang told her.

“Or a cooking class,” Choi added.

“I agree with Leona,” said Iori. “Christmas music sucks. So does staring at decorations. And it sounds like it really sucks having to shop for a Secret Santa gift. Even that name sounds stupid.”

Joe had gotten up for seconds, and heard the tail end of Iori's remarks as he was sitting down. “I agree. Would you give that person the time of day any other month of the year? And then you have to buy them a gift card because you arbitrarily drew their name from a hat?”

“Yeah, you wouldn't get them anything _but_ a gift card,” said Kyo. “What the hell do you _know_ about them?”

“Master...” Chang asked Kim. “We weren't... wasting our time when we did that charity work a few weeks ago, were we?”

“No, of course not,” Kim said, shooting glares at a few of those around the table. “Joe and Iori... are just ignorant.”

But what Geese had started had gained too much momentum, and everyone around the table continued to voice complaints about the holidays.

“Well, I do hate it when my manager books me a Christmas concert,” Athena said. “It's _already_ a busy travel time. And most of those Christmas songs start to sound the same.” Then she shrugged. “But my fans love it, and at the end of the day, I guess that's what's most important. I wouldn't be on that stage if it weren't for them.”

“The bar pulls in good money on Christmas Eve,” King noted. “But it's a hassle to clean up afterwards. I usually don't get home until just before sunrise. And then I'm somehow expected to get my ass up for brunch.”

“That sucks,” Ryo told her, trying to sound sympathetic.

“Lugging the Christmas tree out to the curb after New Year's is always a huge pain,” said Terry.

“Especially since it's so dry by then most of the needles fall out onto the carpet,” Mary added.

“Well, mistletoe is kind of nice,” Yuri chimed in. “Right, Robbie?”

“You got that right, babe,” Garcia said as he sipped his wine.

“Wish _I_ could say that,” Mai pouted.

“I'm glad to see most of you have problems with Christmas and can get behind the idea of Festivus,” Geese Howard said as he stood up from his chair. “But now we come to the next part of the celebration.”

“I guess this would be the 'Airing of Grievances'?” Kyo asked.

“Were we not already doing that?” Beni wondered.

“I'm afraid not,” said Geese. The he swept his dark-eyed gaze over the whole table. “I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it!” He started with his nemesis, who sat to the immediate right. “Terry Bogard...”

“Hey, don't give me grief for all the times I've knocked you off the roof of this place,” Terry said. “You deserved those.”

“You're right. So that's wasn't what I was going to say. Terry... You’re a fighter, hurting people is part of what you do. So why do you ask someone if they’re okay after you just hit them with your fucking Power Geyser? Because obviously, they’re not okay!”

“Well, I hit myself with one once,” Terry explained. “Just to see what it felt like. And I learned that they hurt. So I figure it’s nice to ask my opponent if they’re okay.”

“Once again, they’re not okay,” said Geese. “Because you just hit them with a fountain of condensed chi energy.”

“But it’s still nice to ask them,” the elder Bogard insisted.

“But once again, why would you think that they’d be... never mind.” Geese sighed loudly and downed the rest of his wine. Hopper was at his side in seconds to pour a fresh glass.

“Hey, don’t knock Terry just because he’s a nice guy and you’re not,” Blue Mary spoke up.

After Hopper was finished pouring, Geese turned his attention to the blond detective. “Detective... you do know that there are other clothing styles in the world, right?”

“Yeah, what's your point?”

“Well, when I sent out the invitations, I asked myself, 'gee, I wonder what Mary is going to come dressed in?' Certainly not what she always wears. That would be too predictable!”

Mary shrugged. “I think it's comfy. If you have a problem...” she pointed over Geese's shoulder... “direct it at that wall behind you.”

“Well, don't you get tired of wearing the same thing every day?” Geese asked her. “What do you do when you need to go undercover?”

“Easy. I leave the jacket at home, and swap the red top for a blue one. Works every time!”

Geese shook his head. “Really? That actually works? Jesus, the criminal element in this town must have worse eyesight than the people of Metropolis...”

“Maybe now you'll take me up on that offer of a shopping trip,” Mai whispered to Mary.

Geese overheard that, and turned his attention to the kunoichi next. “Mai... it’s called a bra. Have you ever tried wearing one?”

“I tried one once,” Mai said. “And it wasn’t comfortable. I can’t find one that fits me. Plus it’s more fun to let the girls roam free.”

“But not so free that they can never seem to stay inside whatever top you’re wearing. And then you wonder why your grandfather’s friend keeps molesting you. You can order custom bras, you know. Maybe you should try that sometime and show a little restraint. And maybe wear something that proves you have _some_ dignity?”

“Oh, please,” Mai said as she stood up. “You’re just jealous that you’ll never be able to have a rack like this one.” She then grabbed the top of her dress and pulled it down, flashing her huge, bouncy jugs to the whole table. Several of the other guests groaned, Terry hid his face under his cap, Andy started to choke on his turkey, Beni held up his phone to take a video, Goro snatched away the phone and crumpled it in his fist, and Billy exclaimed, “noice!”

“Hell yeah,” Yamazaki called from his place by the carving table. “Free show!”

Hein appeared to be the only person immune to the sight of Mai’s jiggling funbags. He stood stoically by the table, wine bottle in hand, his unblinking eyes searching for anyone who might need a refill. He then noticed Yamazaki walking over to the table, pulling a twenty from his wallet to slip in Mai's dress, and snapped at the blond man: “Back to your station, Mr. Yamazaki!”

Ryuji scowled as he put the money away and turned back to the buffet table. “Whatever, ya sexless German freak...”

Joe reached over and slapped Andy on the back, causing him to spit out his food. Once Andy could breathe again he sputtered at his date: “Mai, cover up this instant! You’re shaming your family name!”

Mai gave him a pouty look, but she did as asked and then sat back down. However, she continued to bounce her expansive chest just a few inches from Andy’s face. “Aw come on, Andy,” she purred. “Stop acting like you hate it. These are all yours, you know. If you ever wanna play with them, you don’t even need to ask! Just go to town on me!”

Geese sighed and took another sip of wine. “This brings me to you, Andy. For God’s sake, man, did you hear what she just said to you? You can plow her anytime you want. Do you know how many comments her fansite gets from lonely guys - and lesbians - who would gladly chop off their own hands for that opportunity? Stop being such a pansy and just fuck her already! There’s a guest bedroom down the hall you’re welcome to use, if you want. We’ll wait here.”

“There is?” Mai said. She leaned in close to her boyfriend, whispered hotly in his ear: “Well, come on, Andy. What are we waiting for? You can stuff my stocking and pump me full of your holiday cheer.” She then began to suckle Andy’s earlobe.

Andy quickly shoved Mai away from him. “Mai, forgetting for a minute the fact that you actually want to do it in Geese's headquarters. But I’ve already told you: I refuse to sully your honor like that. I can't... take any liberties with you until we’re properly married, and I can’t settle down and marry you until...”

“...you've beaten Terry and proven that you're the superior fighter,” the rest of the table said in unison.

“You know, at this point, I'm tempted to just let you win,” Terry added. “If Mai doesn't get some action soon, she might spontaneously combust. I'd rather not have that on my conscience.”

Geese growled and slammed down his drink in frustration. “Andy, this is the twenty-first century, and you’re not a Catholic! There are plenty of unmarried people boning all over the world, even as I speak. For all our sakes, just take her to the guest room and bang her until she can’t walk straight.”

“I second that,” said Joe.

“I third it,” said Beni.

“Fourth,” said Ryo.

“Yeah, and there’s no hidden cameras in that room,” said Billy. “So just get that thought out of your head.”

“Hidden cameras?” Mai said. “You hear that, Andy? It’s like we’ll be the stars of our own porno. ‘The Hung Ninja Master And His Naughty Kunoichi Concubine!’ Come on, let’s do it!” Mai latched onto him once more and attempted to shove her entire tongue inside his ear. Andy’s face turned a deep shade of scarlet as he tried to shrink under the table.

“Damn, you’re depraved, Mai,” Joe exclaimed as he watched the shameless scene.

Geese then moved his gaze to the right of Andy. “Joe Higashi,” he grumbled. “You’re a ladies man. There are a million other women you could easily be dating. So why are you dating my henchman’s sister? Do you know how annoying it is to hear him bitch about that, day after day? Can you please just find another girl? My sanity depends on it!”

“Boss, I didn’t know you felt that way!” Billy said to his employer, looking somewhat crestfallen.

“Well, you _are_ like a broken record, Billy. Yes, I know Joe is dating Lilly. Yes, it annoys you. Yes, I wish you could split Joe’s head open and piss on his brains, too. But do you have to mention that... more than once... every... single... day?”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s annoying,” said Joe sarcastically. “Oh, Billy, more vino, please.” He shook his empty glass at the British fighter, who glared at Joe with venom as he walked over to Joe’s seat and poured. “I may have spit in the bottle,” he growled.

“Mr. Kane...”

“Ah, piss off, Hein,” Billy snapped at the butler.

“You know what?” Geese told everyone assembled. “I'm just going to get all the relationship stuff over with right now.” He pointed at Ryo and King. “You two are clearly retarded for each other and need to jump in the sack together as much as Andy and Mai do, if not more.” His finger then moved to Kensou. “Kensou, Athena is _not fucking interested in you._ If you haven't figured out by now that you're never getting out of the Friend Zone, you should be required to turn in your balls. You'll never get to use them, anyway.” He then pointed to the pop star. “Athena... stop leading him along and make a damn Tinder profile. You're a pop star! Frankly, I don't see why you're not picking up groupies left and right!”

For a few moments there was stunned silence. Then Yuri chuckled as she swirled her wine. “Well, it's about time someone said it. I just can't believe it was Geese.”

“What?” Sie Kensou snapped. “Come on, Geese doesn't know what he's talking about!”

“Why would you think I was talking about you?” Yuri asked him. “I was talking about my brother and King.”

“Hear, hear,” said Robert, who raised his glass in their direction.

Over at the other side of the table, the two blondes were blushing even more profusely than Andy had a few minutes ago.

“Um... do you really... feel that...” Ryo stumbled over the words.

“Do _you_?” King retorted.

“Well... um... why did you sit next to me?” Ryo quickly shot back.

“Beause we had nametags at our seats,” King said.

“Oh... right.” Then Ryo scratched his head for a moment. “You know... to say you're retarded for someone... that's kind of non-PC. I mean, there's nicer ways to...”

“So what _would_ you say, bro?” Yuri called over to him.

“Yeah, what?” Mai echoed.

“I would... um... I mean... I... would say... I'm... still hungry.” With that, Ryo grabbed his plate and made his way back over to the buffet table. King blew a sigh that was a mix of relief and disappointment, and took a large sip of wine.

“Still couldn't seal it,” Yuri said with a groan.

“Exactly,” Geese said. “And that pisses me off.”

“So, why exactly do you care about romances that may or may not happen?” Robert asked him.

“Oh, well... it's like I said at the beginning,” Geese answered quickly. “I got a lot of problems!”

“You can say that again,” Andy muttered.

“With _you_ people!” Geese growled at him.

“You know, Geese, maybe I don't _want_ to pick up a groupie,” Athena told him. “Not because of Kensou, but just because I want my first time to be special... with someone I love.”

“So, wait, does that mean...” Kensou started to say. Athena placed a finger over his lips.

“Don't overthink it, Sie. Go through that sentence word by word. I assure you: there's no hidden meaning.”

Sie did as she asked, but his mind still found hidden meanings. _So, she just said I still have a chance! Yes!_ He picked up what was left of his drumstick and tore into it with renewed vigor.

“You're also thinking too much, Asamiya,” Iori grumbled. “Love's overrated. Take it from me, groupies are a godsend. The _last_ thing they want is love. They're only interested in... that other thing. Which it sounds like you need.”

Athena shrugged. “Call me crazy, but maybe I don't want to get romantic advice from someone who's a perpetual grouchy-pants.”

“Yeah,” Kensou echoed with his mouth full. “Maybe she doesn't need romantic advice from someone who's... a... constant... not fun... haver...”

“I've got this, Sie,” Athena told him.

“Hey, Asamiya, what's that on your face?” Iori fired back at her.

“My face? Where?” Athena put both hands on her cheeks, trying to feel what Iori was talking about. When she couldn't find it, she pulled her compact out of her handbag and started to scrutinize herself in the small mirror as best she could. “Come on, Iori, what is it? What's on my face? I don't see it.”

Iori, however, sat there smiling as he sipped his wine. “See, Kusanagi? I _can_ smile sometimes.”

“Well, then, you're a step above Daimon,” Geese said as he gestured at the judo champion. “Goro... do you have to be so damn serious about everything? I mean, even Iori just one-upped you on the smiling thing. Seriously, do you have any other facial expressions?”

“I smile,” Goro said simply. “When I have reasons to.”

“Well, what are those reasons?” Geese asked him.

“They're reasons,” Goro explained. “And I have them sometimes. Just not now. But when I _do_ have them, I'll smile.”

“Did what he just said make sense?” Joe asked the rest of the table. He was met only with shrugs.

“It does make sense, Higashi,” Goro told the kickboxer. “If you don't think too much about it.”

“Okay, boss, now I do believe he talkin' out his ass,” Billy told Geese.

“I agree,” said Geese. Then his gaze moved over to another member of Team Japan: “Beni, what is with the hair?”

“It's part of the look, Geese,” Benimaru explained.

“What, you mean the 90s Kid and Play wannabe look?” Geese shook his head sadly. “Seriously, has that hair you've prided yourself on ever helped you get a girl?”

Beni paused for a moment, unable to think of what to say next. Then he answered quickly: “Um, sure. Lots of them. Just last week I picked up one.”

“Oh, and what was her name?”

Beni paused for a moment, then noticed the manufacturer's name on his crystal wineglass: “Ummm, Baccarat.”

“Baccarat?!” Kyo stared at Beni as if his friend had just lost their mind. “What kind of name is that?”

“Was that their first or last name?” Geese asked him.

“Um... first and last,” Beni said quickly. “She had, um... one name, like Madonna. She was... French, from Monte Carlo.”

“Do you have a picture on your phone?” Kyo asked him.

Beni breathed a huge sigh, thinking he'd found a way out. “I did, but Daimon crushed it.”

“Doesn't matter, she's made up anyway,” Leona explained, her dark blue eyes fixed on her own wineglass. “Nikaido just read off the brand of glassware we're using.”

Joe laughed at the blond man. “Nice one, Keyser Soze.”

“Shut up!” Beni snapped. “This hair actually does work!”

“And maybe it _would_ work,” said Geese. “If you could find one shirt that didn't make you look like a gay cabana boy.”

“Wait a minute...” Blue Mary said slowly, gazing upward as if deep in thought. Then she turned to look at Geese. “Garcia is right. I _am_ sensing a pattern now, too. You really want Andy and Mai to bump uglies. Ditto King and Ryo. You want Athena to start dating. Now you're suggesting to Beni he get a new hairstyle that will actually impress women. This is starting to feel less like an Airing of Grievances and more like a chick mag article. Why do you care so much about our romantic lives?”

“I don't!” Geese insisted. “These are problems! I have fucking _PROBLEMS_ with you all!” He gulped down the rest of his wine and held his glass out for Hein.

“The detective's logic is sound,” Leona pointed out to Geese. “And Garcia has pointed this out as well. I suppose next you'll be telling me how angry you are that _I'm_ not dating anyone.”

“Hah!” Geese laughed aloud. “You are _wrong,_ Leona! I'm not going to talk about your lack of love life at all!”

“Well, congratulations,” Leona said with a shrug. “Remind me to pin a medal on you.”

“Have you listened to youself talk all night, commander?” Geese asked her. “Normal humans don't talk the way you do. Only Spock talks like that!”

“You statement is erroneous,” Leona said as she sipped her wine. “Humans clearly _do_ talk like this, because I am one.”

“Sort of,” Ryo reminded her.

Leona glared at Ryo, her blue eyes like steel and ice. “Do _not_ go there, Sakazaki.”

“Thank you for proving my point a moment ago,” said Geese. “Even people like Iori and Mary know how to smile. Sometimes. The point is, you don't _have_ to act like a robot.”

“I don't act like a robot,” Leona countered. “I act like a soldier. I have excellent control. If others don't share that discipline, it's their problem, not mine.”

Choi shook his head. “She _really_ needs a cooking class.”

“Commander,” Clark said to her. “You realize Geese is trying to insult you?”

“Well, he's doing a terrible job,” Leona pointed out. “Because he's telling the truth. He's been telling the truth to everyone here all night.”

“No, he's been trying to rile everyone here by telling them things that he finds annoying about them,” Ralf said.

Leona shrugged, and took another sip of wine. “And those things are truthful. So if they choose to get riled, then that's _their_ problem.”

“I'm not gonna win this, am I?” Geese asked her.

“Take it from us, you won't,” Clark said.

Geese sighed loudly, and then sipped his own wine. “Fine. Moving on. Ralf...” Geese gave a said shake of his head. “When are you and Clark gonna hook up already?”

Even though Geese had been giving romantic advice all night under the guise of airing grievances, this comment still took most of the guests aback. Those who were in the process of sipping their wine did spit-takes all over the tablecloth. Ralf started to choke on his cornbread, and Leona slapped him on the back until it flew from his mouth. Ralf then looked over at Clark, and the two men quickly moved their gaze to their plates, blushing profusely.

“Okay... so _this_ came out of left field!” Terry exclaimed.

“Seriously, Geese, you're just grasping at straws now, aren't you?” King asked him.

“No,” Geese said. “Watch these two at any King of Fighters tournament. You will see that they are clearly gay for each other! And it pisses me off that they do not acknowledge it.”

“Jesus, Geese, this whole thing is starting to sound like some asshole's shitty fanfiction!” Iori growled.

“I think Geese is right,” said Mai. “I'm good at reading romantic vibes from people, thanks to my ninja skills. I definitely sense something off the two of them.”

“Once again, interesting grievance you have about Ralf and Clark, Geese,” said Blue Mary. “And it fits the pattern. Why don't you just show us your bow and arrow, already?”

“I think he's right about them,” Leona said simply, saving Geese from having to find a retort.

Both Ralf and Clark turned to stare at their commander. Even though Clark wore his shades, everyone could tell his gaze was wide-eyed beneath them. “Commander... ?”

“Every time there's a volleyball game at the base, you two always have to be on the skins team together,” Leona explained. “Never the shirts. And every time one of you makes a good play, you leave your hands on one another a little too long for it to be a simple congratulatory gesture. Maybe there _is_ something more there. I'll need to gather more intel.”

“Your base has volleyball games?” Robert asked them.

“So it's not just something that happens in the movies,” Ryo added.

“Just one more game for me, Maverick?” Yuri added, then made a kissy face at Clark and Ralf. She, Ryo, and Robert then started laughing.

“It's not funny!” Ralf insisted. “We play on the same team because we work well together!”

“And we're skins because it's always hot in Brazil!” Clark added.

“Thanks, Clark,” growled Leona. “Now they know what country our base is in.”

“I already knew where it was,” Geese said. “How do you think your dinner invitations got there? But I do have one more grievance with Clark.” He gestured with his wineglass at the blond man. “Clark... it's night, and you're indoors. Why are you wearing sunglasses?”

“Is it so you can watch someone weave then breathe their storylines?” Beni asked him.

“Or so you can keep track of the visions in your eyes?” Terry said, jumping on it.

“Now _that_ was a burn,” Mary said with a laugh as she gave Terry a fist bump.

“Look, I've never had any problems with it,” Clark insisted.

“Really?” Geese asked. “You've never walked into a wall? Because I feel like you should have done that too many times to count by now.”

“Well, you have henchmen who always wear sunglasses,” Clark fired back at the crime lord.

“Yeah, and you think he doesn't constantly remind us of how vexed he is by it?” Hopper said.

“Seriously,” said Ripper. Then he addressed Terry and Beni: “Oh, and that totally _wasn't_ a slick burn. You think we've never heard that line before?”

“Seriously, come up with something original,” Clark said. “Bottom line is, I can see fine. And I'm guessing that your henchmen can see fine, too, Geese. Otherwise, they wouldn't be wearing them.”

Geese then decided to move on to Kim Kaphwan's students. "And Chang... Choi... seriously, who the hell even let you two near a martial arts tournament? Do you guys even have any REAL fighting skills?"

Chang frowned. "What are you saying?"

"I'm SAYING, you're just a big fat guy with a ball and chain, and he's just a tiny guy with claw... things. You guys break every rule in the book! Which, I guess is normal for you, since you're CONVICTS!"

"Hey, you're one to talk! Your man there jams a big stick up people's asses!" Choi squeaked.

Billy grinned. "Oi, don't even put me in the same league with you lot. I don't just swing a weapon like you two do.... I put beauty and aesthetics into it."

“Well, I think Chang and Choi belong in a martial arts tournament more than the Sports Team ever did,” Terry offered, trying to be helpful.

“Who cares if shorty cheats?” Yamazaki called from the buffet table. “That glove is fucking sweet!”

"Hey, now that I think about it... Mai cheats too." Kyo suddenly pointed out.

"H-HEY!" Mai bellowed. "My fans play directly into my Shiranui-Ryu fighting style! R-right Andy? Right?"

But Andy had a hand on his chin, as if actually pondering this. "Hmmm... w-well... I mean... can't you do that stuff without the...?"

"ANDY! I am a kunoichi! You _know_ that I've been trained to distract my opponents! The fan dance is an important part of that process!”

“Yeah, but... have you ever successfully... distracted anyone in a fight?”

“Andy...” Mai growled at him. “You are _this_ close to the doghouse...”

“Wait,” said King. “Don't you two have separate bedrooms?”

“Yeah,” Mai answered. “But sometimes late at night, I'll sneak into his room and snuggle him in his sleep.”

Several people stared slack-jawed at Mai. Andy tried to slowly edge his chair away from his girlfriend without her noticing. “Okay... _that's_ not stalker-ish at all,” Blue Mary said.

“Look, I've been training Chang and Choi in Tae-Kwon-Do for a while now,” Kim said to Geese, eager to get back on subject. “So they _can_ fight with fists if they have to. They just... like to express themselves.”

“Yeah,” said Chang. “And do the rules say you can't use weapons?”

“You ought to know,” Choi added. “You wrote the rulebook for King of Fighters, right?”

“Um...” Geese tugged at his collar for a minute, then quickly tried to assert himself. “Yes. Yes I did!”

“Well, bring it out,” said Kim. “Let's settle this now.”

“Right,” Geese said. “Um, Hein... get the King of Fighters rulebook and bring it to me.” As Geese said the word “rulebook”, he winked at the butler.

“Wait, boss,” Ripper asked him. “I thought you told us to shred it, because you had all the rules committed to memory!”

“You lost your Festivus bonus!” Geese growled at him.

“Well, then, what _does_ it say about weapons?” Robert asked Geese. “Are they cheating?”

“If you have the rule book memorized, this shouldn't be difficult,” Leona said.

Geese was starting to sweat visibly. Then, for some reason, probably because he wanted to move the Airing of Grievances along so he could leave, Goro Daimon interjected. “Guys, who cares if weapons are cheating or not? It's not like they give anyone an edge. I mean, think about it: Have the Women's Team or Justice Team ever _won_ a tournament?”

 _“HEY!”_ Yuri, King, Mai, Chang, Choi, and Kim all shouted at the same time.

“Well, have you?” Goro asked again.

“Don't have to draw attention to it,” Yuri muttered.

“You know, if weapons are considered cheating,” Blue Mary pondered, “Then we have to ask ourselves if that would apply to some people who _don't_ use weapons. Because some of their techniques are similar to a weapon.”

“Yeah,” said Kyo. “Leona's hands are _like_ blades.”

“So are Iori's,” Leona was quick to add.

“Leave me out of this,” Iori growled. “Honestly, this discussion is making me feel like I _am_ trapped in some stupid asshole's shitty fanfiction. Seriously, can we go now?”

“You could, but you'll miss the best part,” Geese told him. “Besides, I'm still airing grievances, here.”

“Then air faster, dipshit,” Iori spat at him.

“Iori, you _do_ know who you're talking to?” Athena asked him.

“Oh, right, sorry,” said Iori. Then he shouted at Geese: “ _King_ dipshit!”

Geese laughed coldly. “I figured I'd wait until you were nice and angry before I got to you, Yagami. So let's begin.”

Leona, Robert, and Yuri, who were all sitting in close proximity to Iori, slowly backed their chairs up a little. Geese took another sip of wine and set the glass down. “Iori... what _exactly_ is your reason for this whole attitude?”

“Who says I need a reason?” Iori shot back.

“It would be nice to have one. I mean... you're a successful musician, you can wield fire, you're the keeper of a treasure I would _love_ to get my hands on. So why the constant attitude?”

“Oh, I don't know,” Iori said with a shrug. “Maybe it's because I have the blood of an ancient demon in my veins? Kind of hard to give a shit about anyone when I have to keep myself in a constant state of control, so that demon doesn't take possession of me and make me murder them. Maybe actually caring about them would make this harder?”

“Seriously, Geese, it's like you've never met us,” Kyo told him. “I mean, I don't like Iori, but what he just said is true. And you should know that already.”

“Well, we've established that he's pretty much speaking from his... um, backside at this point,” Goro reminded Kyo.

“Okay, so why do you choose to live in some dilapidated flat when you're worth as much money as Athena or Garcia?” Geese asked Iori.

“Because that makes it easier for people to ignore me,” Iori said with a yawn. “Are you done yet?”

“Hey, boss, don't you have a beef with what Yagami did to me when the two of us were on the Rivals Team?” Billy asked Geese.

Geese shrugged. “No, not really.”

“I was almost killed,” Billy insisted.

Another shrug. “But you weren't. Which is lucky for both of us, since I didn't have to shop for another bojutsu expert.”

“Damn it, why do I feel like I'm getting more shit than the guests right now?” Billy muttered as he poured more wine for Robert. “ _They're_ the ones who're supposed to be insulted!”

“Garcia,” Geese said to the Kyokugen disciple. “You have money, but you only seem to flaunt it through your love of cars. The rest of the time, you spend it on other people. Why don't you ever wave it in their faces? I mean, you do know that having money makes you a better person, right?”

“That's your opinion, Geese,” Garcia said with a shrug. “I know how much money I really need and the rest is just for show. And I'd rather show it by spending it on people who need it more than I do, except for the occasional indulgence in my car collection. But I joined Takuma-sensei's dojo because I wanted to do something more with my life.” He took a sip of wine and put an arm around Yuri. “Besides, there are some things money can't buy.”

“Awww, my man is the sweetest!” Yuri said, and kissed his cheek.

“Ugh,” Yamazaki grimaced from over at the buffet table. “Hallmark's on the phone, Garcia, and they said they'll call the cops if you don't give them back their greeting card!”

“Hear, hear,” Geese said. “You can keep your sentiment about how money can't buy love. Because I know from experience that it buys everything!”

“I'm confused,” Robert said to him. “Are you even insulting me anymore? Because I totally can't hear you right now.” He then turned and kissed Yuri on the mouth.

“Garcia, wait till we get home and I don't have to look at it!” Ryo called over to them.

“Hey, bro, you could have something like it if you just grew some balls!” Yuri called back.

“Kim Kaphwan,” Geese was now addressing the Tae-Kwon-Do master. “When are you going to realize that justice is dead? Frankly, I find it annoying that you waste your life trying to teach its virtues to others.”

“Well, of course you'd find it annoying,” Kim said. “You're just a crime boss who makes his living off the suffering of others, and has no desire to reform.”

“I'm _the_ crime boss,” Geese corrected him. “And don't forget it. And maybe I'm more enlightened than you, because I know that if crime didn't pay, there would be far fewer criminals. Think about _that_ as you continue on your futile mission.”

“I'd rather think about something else,” Kim answered him. He then addressed the rest of the table. “Quick show of hands: has anyone tonight actually been _insulted_ by Geese?” Billy, Kensou and Benimaru were the only ones who raised their hands, so Kim gave Geese a triumphant smirk. “Maybe you're the one with the futile mission, Geese,” he said.

Geese backpedaled a moment, then sputtered out: “Your mom doesn't think it's futile.”

Kensou laughed around a mouthful of potatoes. “Classic.”

“Wait a sec,” Mary asked everyone. “Did he just play the 'your mom' card? Real original, Geese!”

“Indeed,” Kim said with a nod. “Any further conversation with you would only waste my time.” He then resumed eating what was left on his plate.

Geese seemed to agree with this, and so he moved on. "And Yuri! You just... you make no sense to me, honestly."

Yuri rolled her eyes. "Oh _this_ should be good..."

Geese folded his arms. "I mean... what _are_ you? Are you a damsel in distress? Are you the token female fighter of your franchise? You're just... you're an anomaly!"

Yuri actually got a little heated hearing those words. "And what do _you_ think I am?!"

Geese put a hand to his chin. "Well... I don't know! I'm trying to figure it out! You can't be the token female character because that's King! But you can't be a damsel in distress because you can fight... kinda."

Yuri slammed her fist on the table. " _KINDA_?!"

Geese grinned. "Well, I mean... maybe you should be that annoying female character that sits on the sidelines and cheers on the manly hero. You know, they usually have one like that in anime. You know? That talkative little pair of tits that never actually gets her hands dirty, but does the whole moral support thing?"

Robert was getting testy now. "Alright Geese, you better watch your-"

"Hey, I have an idea!" Benimaru chimed in. "Maybe King and Yuri should fight to the death, and the winner gets to be the token female fighter of her franchise!"

“You sound a little too eager to watch them kill each other,” said Goro. “Why is that?”

“Maybe he's jealous of King's hair?” Ryo suggested.

“Or he's jealous of the fact that I'm more masculine than he'll ever be,” King said with a shrug.

“Is that really something to be proud of, Kingy?” Mai asked her long-time teammate.

"This is stupid. Why can't there just be _two_ token female fighters?" Mary added.

"B-because it doesn't work that way!" Beni argued. "There can only be ONE female asskicker per franchise!"

"You do know Fatal Fury and King of Fighters both have more than one?" Mary annoyingly pointed out.

"Well, to be honest, I usually forget you exist, Mary,” Geese half-insulted. “Since Mai is so... you know... iconic and all. No offense."

Mary gave a casual shrug. “If by 'iconic,' you mean 'shameless,' then no offense taken.”

“Hey!” Mai snapped. “I told you my fighting outfit is a traditional uniform of the Shiranui kunoichi that dates back centuries!”

“But I've read your clan's historical records,” said Andy, “and I've never seen it mentioned.”

“Andy, I take back what I said earlier. Now you have to _ask_ to play with my tits!”

Mary ignored them and went on: “So, Geese, how do you explain King of Fighters having so many token female fighters?"

Geese put a hand to his chin. "Uhhh well... Mai doesn't count, Yuri doesn't count, you don't count, uhhh... so that leaves Athena... and uh..."

"Leona, Kula, Vanessa, Shermie, etc. etc.?" Mary said with a grin.

King was eager to jump on this, and continued: “Chizuru, Elisabeth, Xiangfei, Bonne Jenet...”

“And let's not forget all the new blood we've gotten,” Yuri added. “Alice, Sylvie, Zarina...”

"Gaah, I've lost my train of thought!" Geese barked. "The point I'm making is, for its time period, fighting franchises should have only had one female asskicker. That was the golden standard! I mean, look at that Chun Li girl! She was the one and only!"

Yuri scratched her head. "...But didn't they add that British girl with the nice as-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

There was a moment of silence. Then Benimaru said meekly: “And let's not forget that other girl with the nice ass. The Japanese wrestler, Rainbow something...”

“WHAT DID I JUST SAY?” Geese bellowed.

Another period of silence. Then Mai piped up: “I don't know that wrestler, but I bet I still have the number one ass in Japan. Right, Andy?”

Andy blushed. “Do... do I have to answer now, in front of everyone?”

Geese shook his head, and stared down the length of the table at Kyo Kusanagi, the only person that he hadn't gotten to yet. The other dinner guests followed the crime lord's gaze, down towards the Scion of the Flame, keeper of the sacred Kusanagi Sword, multi-time champion of the King of Fighters tournament, and idol of millions. They all wondered what grievances Geese Howard would have in store for Kyo.

Geese took a sip of wine, and then cleared his throat. “Kyo Kusanagi...” he started, then there was a long pause. Geese cleared his throat again. “Kyo... I think... your shoes suck!”

This was followed by more spit-takes from those fighters who had been sipping their own wine. Everyone then stared wide-eyed to Kyo, and then back to Geese. Kyo did not even flinch. “Excuse me?” He asked Geese calmly.

“Your shoes suck!” Geese repeated with more force. “Look, I had a whole list prepared for you, but now I can't remember any of them.”

“Sure you did,” Kyo said with a chuckle.

“No, he did.” Athena had her head bowed, her brow creased in concentration. “At least, he believes he did.”

“I did!” Geese insisted. “But now I can't remember any of them because this night hasn't gone at all the way I planned it!”

“Maybe because the problems you have with us suck?” Terry asked his rival.

“Who says they were problems?” Leona asked the rest of the table. “Geese has been telling it like it is this whole evening.”

“Easy for you to say,” Beni told her. “He didn't insult you.”

“He technically didn't insult _you_ , either,” Leona fired back.

Beni was about to get up from his chair. “Okay, anyone _else_ have problems with the hair?” He asked everyone present.

“I don't think the commander had a _problem_ with it,” Andy said. “She just agreed with Geese's comments on it.”

“Ah, cram it!” Beni snapped at Andy. “If my hair _had_ helped me get a girl who looked like yours, she wouldn't still be a virgin!”

“Do we know for a fact she's a virgin?” Blue Mary offered. “If I were in her shoes, I'd have grown tired of waiting for Andy by now...”

“Hey!” Mai snapped. “I am one-hundred percent devoted to my man, like any model of proper Japanese maidenhood!”

“So, that dress is considered 'proper' in Japan?” Ryo laughed.

“Well, at least I'm not running from my feelings like a little bitch!” Mai snapped at Ryo.

“I think everyone here needs to shut the fuck up,” Iori quipped. “I'm getting a headache.”

“Come on, everyone! Let's not fight!” Athena was pleading with the table.

However, everyone continued to argue. Geese Howard stood at the head of the table, arms folded over his chest, and laughed as it escalated. “And now that you are all sufficiently angry,” he called out over the din. “We move to the final event of the evening: the Feats of Strength!”

“Wait, shut up, everyone!” Kyo shouted to the group. After a moment, the voices died down. “What did you just say, Geese?”

Geese had removed his jacket, tie, and cummerbund, and passed them to Hein, who was waiting with a hanger in hand. Then, the crime lord addressed the table once more: “As I said, we are moving onto our final event: the Feats of Strength. This celebration does not end until I get pinned by one of you.” He took a step back from the table and opened his arms in challenge. “So come on, then!”

“Are you serious?” Robert asked him.

“Quite,” said Geese. “So, who's first? I'm still standing here... unpinned.”

“Analysis,” Leona said to the rest of them. “This celebration ends when Geese Howard is pinned by one of the guests. There are twenty-one guests... and one Geese Howard. Therefore, this seems like an easy contest.” She rose from her chair and cracked her knuckles, and a few moments later her Ikari comrades did the same.

“Rock and roll!” Ralf called out.

By now, the other fighters had started to catch on and were getting up as well. Some of them glowed slightly with the aura of pent up chi ready to be released. Blue Mary had taken off her jacket, draped it carefully over the back of her chair, and was starting to slip on her fighting gloves. Around the table, a few other fighters were also putting on their own gloves. Mai stood up on her chair, ripped off her dress, and in the blink of an eye was suddenly wearing her red fighing gi, fans in hand. Kyo and Iori were both on their feet, their hands enveloped in red and purple flames, respectively. Athena pressed her index fingers against her temple, and concentrated. As she did, a sphere of telekinetic energy started to crystallize into being in the air in front of her.

The smug look on Geese Howard's face disappeared quickly as he realized that he'd just been roasting a room a full of fighters who didn't like him... and then he had just challenged them. _This idea seemed a lot better when it was a Seinfeld episode._

“I meant one at a time!” Geese tried to explain, raising his hands in surrender. “Try to pin me one at a time! Not all of you at once!”

“Perhaps you should have started with that, Mr. Howard, before you got them all angry,” Hein suggested as he rapidly sidestepped to get out of the path of the oncoming storm.

Geese was going to tell Hein he had lost his Festivus bonus. But before he could open his mouth, he was hit by the world's first combination of Orochinagi/Rai-ku-ken/Power Wave/Hishou-ken/Triple Ka-chou-sen/Ko-ou-ken/Ryuu-geki-ken/Rai-oh-ken/Screw Upper/Psycho Ball/Yami-Barai/Choukyuu-Dan. It hurt just as bad as he had always imagined that combination might. Then, as Geese was reeling, he was set upon by those who didn't possess strong ranged attacks: Goro, Mary, King, Kim, Chang, Choi, and the Ikaris. After a _lot_ of fisticuffs, the King of South Town was soon sent flying backwards through the nearest window, and he fell twenty stories to the ground below.

All the guests ran to the shattered window and peered down out of it. Through the neon light of Geese's name on the building, they could see him on the ground far below, getting shakily to his feet, his once fancy clothing in tatters. “Technically, you didn't pin me!” He called up to them. Then he fell flat on his face and did not get up again.

Hein, who had joined the other fighters by the window, pulled his phone from his jacket pocket. “Should I call an ambulance?”

“Nah, just leave him,” said Terry. “He'll wake up in a few hours. He's been knocked out of his own tower so many times, he's built up an immunity to it.”

“I see,” Hein said, and put his phone away. “Well, since you're the one who usually knocks him out of it, I'll defer to your judgment.”

For a moment, everyone was silent as they wound down. Then Ryo said to Mai: “Um... I thought your dress... was actually pretty retro. Which was a brave choice.”

“Thanks,” Mai said. “Obviously, I don't think you're a little bitch. It's your life, you do what you want with it.” She and Ryo then shook hands.

Leona walked over to Beni. “So, um... at the end of the day... hair is just hair. It doesn't... really matter what it looks like.”

“Was that an apology?” Beni asked her.

“Trust me, it was,” Clark said.

“Um, thanks,” Beni said, and shook her hand. Then he called over to Andy: “Hey, Andy! Being a virgin doesn't make you any less of a man!”

Andy simply nodded his head in reply. Kensou, who overheard that remark, said: “It doesn't? Sweet! I mean... forget I just said anything.” He raised one hand, and waved it in front of his face. “I didn't say anything!”

Athena rolled her eyes. “We're Psycho Soliders, Sie, not Jedi.”

“So, Hein,” Joe asked the butler. “Is there any dessert?”

Hein shook his head. “Against my advice, Mr. Howard ordered me not to prepare a dessert course.”

“Well, that sucks,” said Yuri.

“Guess this party is over then,” Kyo said to the rest of the group. Most of them nodded in agreement.

“Good, I'm outta here,” Iori growled, then turned on his heels and stalked towards the heavy wooden doors. “Worst fuckin' night of my life...”

“I'm heading out, too,” Mary said after Iori was gone. She walked back to the dinner table to retrieve her jacket, then called over to her man: “Hey, Terry, wanna come back to my place? We can have our own private Feats of Strength competition.”

“Sounds good to me,” Terry said, and started towards the door with his lover. “Bet I can pin you first.” Right before he left he turned to Andy and tossed him the keys to their car. “Don’t wait up for me, bro.”

“Ooh, hear that, Andy?” Mai asked her boyfriend. “We’ve got the place all to ourselves tonight. Let’s go home and build a fire, then you can do me in front of it. I’ll let you fill my own little fireplace with your big fat Yule Log until you come down my chimney!”

“Real subtle, Mai,” Yuri said with a roll of her eyes.

Andy looked at Mai for a long moment and then gave a small shrug. “You know what? I’m gonna go for it.”

The kunoichi’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. “Andy... are you serious? You really mean it?

“Sure,” said Andy. “You’ve dishonored yourself so many times at this point, I don't think I can do _anything_ to dishonor you further. Let’s do it.”

Mai squealed with delight and planted a juicy kiss on his lips. “Oh, Andy, I _knew_ you couldn’t resist me forever! Now come on.” She grabbed his arm and started to drag him to the door. “I have the cutest little Santa’s Helper outfit I can wear for you. It’s backless for easy access, and it comes with a sprig of mistletoe that pins onto the front skirt. I stick it on just above my pus...”

“Yeah, I get the idea,” said Andy, cutting her off. “Let’s just get home.”

“Whatever you say, Andy, honey. And you may want to stop for an espresso. Because you’re not getting any sleep tonight. I’ve been dreaming of this night for a LONG time...” Mai kept running her mouth, but anything further she said was cut off when the door shut. Those remaining looked around at each other.

“We all just heard that, right?” Ryo asked the group. “Andy said that he's...”

“Finally going all the way with Mai,” said Joe. “Yup, we all heard it.”

“It’s a Festivus miracle!” King exclaimed.

“So, does that mean we can get your help now?” Ripper asked King. A few seconds later, he was unconscious on the floor, courtesy of a Venom Strike.

“Well, if there’s no dessert,” said Robert, “I think we should split, too.” He offered an arm to Yuri. “Shall we, milady?”

“Ooh, we shall,” Yuri said with a giggle as she accepted his arm. The two started towards the door and were soon joined by Ryo and King.

“Wait up!” Joe called as he jogged after them. “Can I get a lift back to my place? Andy and Mai were supposed to be my ride.”

“Sure,” said Robert. “You probably don't want to be in the same car with them right now.”

“Tell me about it,” Joe agreed.

As the five of them continued towards the double doors, Yuri said: “I just hope you don't mind riding bitch in the back seat, Joe.”

“Well, actually, Joe can have a window seat,” said Ryo. “I'll take the middle. I... think I'd like to sit next to King.”

King nearly did a double take. “Really? You would sit in the middle for _me_?”

“Yeah,” Ryo said, and took her hand in his own.

King blushed a little, and said: “Thanks, Ryo. I think... I'd like to sit next to you, too.”

“Looks like another Festivus miracle,” Yuri said to Robert as the five exited the banquet hall.

After they had left, there was a moment of silence. Then Kensou asked: “Wonder if there are any other miracles?” His eyes flicked hopefully over to Athena.

Athena seemed not to notice the gesture, as she appeared deep in thought. Then she shrugged. “Why not? Oh, Kensou?”

“Yes?” Sie Kensou tried to stay calm.

“Will you... will you... help me make a Tinder profile when we get home?”

“What?” Kensou asked with a slight flinch.

“Well, Geese did bring up some good points tonight. I _do_ need to get out more, especially since I have a career. All work and no play, you know? And I figure since you know me so well, you can help me make an awesome Tinder profile, one that can help me weed out all the pretenders who only want to be near me because of who I am. Come on, Sie. You're the only friend I can trust with this!”

 _Did you hear that, Sie?_ He told himself. _She only trusts_ you _. So if you help her make the best damn Tinder profile in the world, she's bound to start seeing you in a new light._

“Sure!' Kensou told her. “What are friends for?”

“Great! I knew I could count on you!” Athena exclaimed, and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Come on, let's go!” As they left, Kensou grabbed the other turkey drumstick off the serving platter and started to gnaw it on their way out. Right before he passed through the door, he flashed everyone else still assembled a thumbs-up.

“Well, mission accomplished,” Leona told her two comrades. “Let's head home.”

“Commander,” Clark asked her as they started towards the door. “Did you mean what you said about... hating the Secret Santa thing? Or were you just trying to blend in?”

“No, I meant it,” Leona said curtly. “I think this Festivus holiday is a much better idea. In my report to Commander Heidern, I'll be recommending that the base scrap the Secret Santa program, and start doing the Airing of Grievances every December. Though we'll need a new title. 'Grievance' makes it sound like a bad thing when it's not.”

“Wow, this is a first... the commander had more fun than we did,” Ralf said with a sad shake of his head. “Um... commander... request permission to stop somewhere for a beer on the way back to the base?”

Leona thought for a moment. “Granted,” she answered. “And I think I'll join you two, this time. I really, really like this Festivus idea.”

“And there's the third Festivus miracle,” Clark said.

“Um... Clark?” Ralf then asked his friend.

“Yeah?” Clark answered.

“That shit Geese said about us...”

“Was just that, Ralf: shit. Utter shit. He doesn't... know what he's talking about.”

“That's damn right!” Ralf agreed.

“Next time we challenge someone to volleyball, we'll play as shirts!” Clark said.

“Well, we don't have to go _that_ far,” Ralf said, and then they disappeared through the heavy doors.

After the Ikaris were gone, Chang said to Kim: “Master, since there's no dessert... can we stop for ice cream on the way back to the dojo?”

Kim nodded. “I don't see why not. You two handled yourselves beautifully tonight in a room full of career criminals. You made your master proud.”

“All right!” Chang and Choi high-fived each other, and the three of them made their way towards the exit.

“Hey, shorty!” Yamazaki called to Choi. “Can I try your glove out before you go?”

“Sorry, don't think it would fit you,” Choi called back.

“Well, where can I buy one?”

“You can't!” Was the answer he got. And then Kim and his students left the room.

After they were gone, Yamazaki pulled out his old knife and looked at it thoughtfully. “New goal in life,” he told himself. “Find out where he bought that glove, and get a whole fucking box of them!” He then twirled his knife around and jammed it into the carcass of the turkey.

Now only the Japan Team were left in the banquet hall along with Geese's men. “Tell your employer not to bother inviting us next year,” Kyo said to Hein as he, Beni and Goro started towards the door.

“It wasn't too bad!” Beni insisted. “The food was actually pretty good. And we got to kick Geese's ass. And it helped some people finally hook up with one another.”

Goro started laughing, then. Both Kyo and Beni turned and stared at the judo champion, not comprehending what, if anything, would make him laugh.

“Howard probably set all this up for his own personal amusement,” Goro explained to them, still laughing. “And in the end, his guests wound up getting more amusement than he did. And he spent all this money to feed us, too!”

Upon hearing that, Goro's two comrades also started laughing. “Okay, maybe we _should_ do this again next year,” Kyo said as they left the hall.

Now it was only the servers left. As soon as the heavy door was shut, Billy took off his tailed suit jacket and tossed it out the broken window. His tie quickly followed. “Okay, domestic shit is done! Now it's Miller Time!” With that, he went to the bar and started to mix a gin and tonic.

Hein, who was sitting at the dinner table rubbing his temples wearily, became more composed when he heard the bottle being opened. “Mr. Kane, we still have work to do!”

“Ah, let the rest of the staff do it!” Billy said with a shrug. “They didn't have to sit through those damn grievances.”

“Hear, hear,” Hopper said. He had joined Billy behind the bar, and was pouring himself a glass of the Dom Perignon.

“Shouldn't we at least move Mr. Ripper?” Hein asked them.

“Let him sleep there,” Billy said, and sipped his drink. “He should'a known better than to mouth off to King.”

“I wouldn't have,” Hopper concurred. “Lady even told him it was her night off.”

“No, I'll still call someone to move him to the infirmary. I like to keep the dining room tidy. And I should probably remind myself to update Mr. Howard's personal settings on Hulu, so he doesn't get any more ideas like this.” Hein pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and started to dial a number for other staff members to come clear the banquet hall and sweep up the broken glass.

“Um, Hein?”

The butler paused in mid-dial, took his glasses off, and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Yes, Mr. Yamazaki?”

“Can I... mutilate that other turkey now?”

 

The End?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that projectile combination Geese was hit with: were you able to match up each attack to its corresponding fighter?
> 
> And, candid time... this fic was a labor of love and hate for me. With all the other shit that goes on during the holiday season, I actually gave myself a deadline. Because Festivus is December 23rd, and I wanted to have this fic ready for posting on that date. So I gave myself more stress, but it brought me back to my college days, which was invigorating. I would like to thank illyrilex, who inadvertantly presented me with a fun challenge by writing her own holiday fic, and also JojoDO, who let me bounce ideas off him (despite his own busy schedule), and offered a few ideas of his own, which wound up in my fic, and I think makes it more entertaining. So thank you both!
> 
> And thanks for reading, everyone! Whatever holiday you celebrate this December, be it Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or Festivus, I wish you a very safe and happy one! And if you don't celebrate any holiday this month... just have a nice day!
> 
> And even though I'm an atheist, I would consider a review to be a sweet holiday gift! ( ;

**Author's Note:**

> So a few random things: King is a vegetarian, which I would not have known had I not read Illyrilex's fanfic. And the reason people keep making that “1994” joke about Mai's dress is because it's supposed to be the same dress she wore in a scene in Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture, which came out in '94. If you're curious, there's a picture of it here: http://anime-fanservice.org/coppermine/albums/F_galleries/Fatal_Fury_Motion_Picture/Fatal_Fury-13.jpg
> 
> Also, Hein was quoting “Clue,” and if you've never seen that movie, why not? It's the only good movie based off a board game in existence.
> 
> And the word count is getting pretty high (you may have noticed me breaking the fourth wall earlier. Sorry, not sorry!), so I'm dividing this thing into chapters, to make it easier to read. What will happen next? Why does Geese want to celebrate Festivus with his enemies? Will Yamazaki continue to actually carve the turkey and ham like a decent human being? Will anyone get lucky tonight? Will Leona learn the secret to the “Festivus pole”? The answers to all those questions (except the last one) are a click away! Hope you're having fun so far! Up next: the real celebration begins!


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